I hear so many horror stories of online dating experiences gone wrong - very, very wrong. The list of misrepresentation, stalking, poor online and offline behavior and outdated photos has become endless and incredibly discouraging. Yet so many people are still meeting online and some of those couples are even tying the knot! So what’s the problem with the online dating model?
A survey not too long ago claimed that if you give a man 20 pieces of cheese to choose from, he will have a difficult time making a selection. However, give him 3 types of cheese and he will quickly make his choice. The concept works similar for women although I believe we are better trained to make a quicker selection in a sea of choices thanks to our experiences shoe shopping or navigating stores like Winners.
So there are plenty of choices online but I don’t believe the problem stops there. Now, take an average person who probably doesn’t get a lot of attention from the opposite sex on a daily basis. All of a sudden, they log in to their online account and there are several smiles, winks or messages just waiting for them. It’s like Christmas morning! In one day they have gone from flying under the radar on a daily basis to a whole new online world where they are receiving more attention than they ever dreamed possible. Whether it goes any further and leads to a date doesn’t seem to matter. And if this attractive and smart person is interested in them - you can bet they think there’s more where that came from. And now we are back to our original dilemma with the cheese selection.
A recent documentary profiled 5 candidates who shared their online dating experiences. The last one was probably the most outrageous but you can’t say you didn’t see it coming. The couple meet as avatars through Second Life. They spent their hard earned money purchasing online objects they will never touch or wear such as $500 jeans. They fell in love and spent most of their time in their exotic island cabin that could never exist. He was buff, handsome, 20 years and 20 lbs lighter than in reality and she was a buxom babe also about 20 years and 40 lbs lighter than in real life. The two shared an online love in a world where they could be who they wanted to be, not who they really were. And they never had any desire to meet in person. That might destroy the fantasy.
Online dating is a fabulous dating tool for those of us who lead busy lives, are selective and have drained the supply of ‘friends of friends’ for dates. But you have to be tough, you have to persevere, you have to make choices but most of all, you have to know when to take online, offline and just enjoy a real relationship- warts and all.
Last thursday, friend and Phat Chick co-founder Meredith Hagan was in a terrible accident. On friday she passed away which broke the hearts of everyone who ever met her and knew her. It was a tragedy that none of us could or still can get our minds around because it is impossible to think of this world without someone as energetic, positive and inspiring as Meredith.
Meredith has left behind a wonderful husband and 2 daughters who will feel this loss for rest of time. It is so difficult to think about how her family and friends can even cope.
I met Meredith in 2009 when she and Phat Chick partner and best pal, Susie Opie contacted me to work together on getting me back into shape - a feat I thought would be impossible with my schedule but they proved me wrong - week after week. They showed me that as tough as the work out could be during boot camp - it was one of my favorite parts of the week. I met so many wonderful women who shared their enthusiasm and my lactic acid pain after each session. The best part was that there was never a boot camp without a bunch of laughs.
I was really lucky to get to know Meredith and Susie and all the girls I’ve come to know through our weekly workouts and even luckier to be able to call them my friends.
It is a horribly sad time for everyone but even after she passed, Meredith continued to share her compassion and love. She donated her organs on saved four lives. In a final selfless act, Meredith left the same way she lived - caring about others and doing whatever it took to keep everyone else around her positive and inspired.
Meredith will be truly and sadly missed and as sad as I feel, I also feel great honour in having known her.
And they say, Spring is a time for new beginnings so it was a great time to re-launch Solomag.com with some new features. As much as I love spring and new beginnings I have to admit that launching the new site really brought back memories for me. If any of you have every started your own website then you know what trust and faith it takes to find a designer who can truly read your mind, see your vision and bring it to life. And even then it’s a leap of faith!
Websites go through so many changes as we learn more about SEO (search engine optimization) and an entire plethora of acronyms that we come to rely on for the metrics and success of our sites. It’s a lot of work, a lot of stress and a lot of time.
I ran into my old high school friend Susan Rogers, owner and graphic designer of Axcess Design Services (see Small Biz resources). Sue and I talked about the site I envisioned but never had the guts to bring to life. She immediately took my vision and I think she gave me 2 options for the look of the site. I was dumbfounded. The designs were exactly what the art director between my ears had imagined. I was sure I couldn’t communicate it to anyone in a way that would translate into my dream on a webpage but Sue did just that.
The new site is different, it’s got some animation and sound that I love and even the navigation has changed. But the important thing for me is that I love history and roots - and the root of this website comes from a lot of great collaboration and many, many emails, pdf’s, jpegs and late nights with Sue who managed to take the creation from my head and translate it into a website that was exactly the way I dreamt it. Visionaries are great people and I love knowing them.
So I want to send a special thank you to Susan Rogers. As soon as she showed me her first design, I fell in love and finally had the courage to take the next step to launch the magazine. I had avoided this moment for so long, afraid of failure. To me, Solomag is the richest example of how a whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. That’s a big thing for me because I hate math!
Susan Rogers - you’re a legend in my mind and the great founding designer of this site. A million thanks for all of your incredible creativity and tireless work!
When you fight an opposing force – rarely will you win because you are an opposing force yourself. That’s why you never feel great when you have unresolved conflict with a friend. If you try to fight what’s happening and instill your sense of entitlement and righteousness – rarely will you win; or so l have learned. However – it is when you are able to take an honest step back and see your part in things – and accept that you own some responsibility that – believe it or not – you actually feel better, calm and are able to communicate more productively in a way that will produce results instead of further conflict. Being completely right is a lonely place and you aren’t usually entitled to be there. Rarely are we completely blameless when both sides feel bad about a situation. You can’t govern others – only yourself. And when you let go of that control freak in you, I can guarantee you will feel peace and acceptance in forgiving yourself for being human and being able to understand the fallible nature of humans in general. Admitting you’re wrong is so difficult for some of us – but when we finally do it – we make everyone around us feel good. That’s the kind of power I love.
I admire people who can take constructive criticism and turn it into positive change for themselves. They only become better people and they are confident in themselves in knowing that constructive criticism isn’t a slight against them. Instead, they see it as opportunity and challenge.
It’s 2010 and another year under my belt means another year to look forward to. This year I’d like to learn some lessons from the past year. Solomag has a great readership and we’ve covered some great issues in the past 8 months but it’s time to reflect and see what we can do better, and what I can do better.
I’ve heard a few people say that they should be accepted for who they are and they aren’t going to change for anyone. I believe in confidence and strength however I also believe that we should be constantly evolving, growing and taking the knowledge from lessons learned and applying it to our own personal growth. I’m sure there isn’t anything in our day to day lives that we don’t believe we can do better at.
This year is a great opportunity for myself and for Solomag to have a look at what worked, what didn’t and areas of growth. In the business sector this is called a SWOT (Strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats). This is how businesses evaluate who they are and their competition and using this system they continue to evolve into strong and prosperous companies. It doesn’t just work in business though - we all have areas that we can analyse and further develop to become the best that we can be. And sometimes we might even find that what we though was a weakness was actually an opportunity waiting to unfold or a challenge to take on.
Solomag and I would like to wish you all a very healthy and successful 2010 full of growth and positive change!
When I first met you, you were just that – “Nice”. Don’t get me wrong, it was very splendid meeting you but my heart never skipped a beat, not even a flutter. Back then that’s what I thought I needed. I had to fall head over heels or there was no chance. Love at first sight and all those long forgotten clichés. So I smiled and politely shook your hand and by the time we released our grip, I was already thinking about what I was going to wear to my high school grad dance.
Years later I ran into you over and over in various places, cities, countries and venues. And again my heart remained steady and there was no flicker of anything. However this time I considered you twice. I could use a male friend like you. You make me feel good, you’re honest and you will be my guy-guide through the dating landscape. So we probably became friends and you probably always hoped there would be something more one day and I probably hoped that we would always be great pals.
You saw me through all these dating disasters and listened endlessly and patiently to a litany of complaints about how terrible men are, how the good ones are taken or gay, how it’s not me – it’s them, how there were no good guys left. And you probably shook your head in frustration. But being the good guy you are, you let me go on and on and never said a word. You just sat there silently, supporting me and agreeing that he really is a jerk and he’ll be sorry that you’re gone. I needed that.
But as time went on, I got tired of the challenge and the heart palpitations soon turned into anxiety attacks, stress and stabbing fear that I was being deceived. And where were you when all that went on? Right there – were you had always been. And you were probably thinking “why do nice guys always finish last?”
One day I woke up and you were gone and all I had left was the same old options, the same bad habits and the same destructive dating patterns. It was then I realized that I’m tired of the tough guy, the rebel, the model cum actor types. I didn’t feel like always having to put on an air or try to impress. I’m getting older and I’m getting tired. I’d happily ditch my heels for flip flops in a heart beat. It was then that I realized I wanted you, a nice guy. I could be myself around you. I could wear whatever I wanted, say whatever I wanted and do whatever I wanted because you had always let me be myself and you had always cherished who my true self was. You adored me no matter what and didn’t make me jump through hoops and always leaving me wondering what you were really up to when I wasn’t around. The pressure was never to be perfect - the pressure from you was to be myself.
Love is blind, I was blind and sometimes aren’t we all? So in my blindness you grew tired of being my wing man when all you wanted was to be my main man. Silently one day you left. You probably met someone worthy of you and settled down to have a great, down to earth, honest and fulfilling life. I’m the sorrier for that.
Now I spend my days looking for you but all I can seem to find are the wrong ones, the guys I wasted so much time trying to make it work with. Now you’re not just the nice guy – you’re the one who got away, the holy grail of mates and when you thought nice guys finished last I have to say – at least you finish. And you leave us in your dust wishing we had only opened our eyes sooner.
Every year it’s the same thing when the holidays arrive. Lots of rushing around, christmas wish lists, bank account reviews and STRESS! The best part of it for me is meeting up with a friend in between shops and grabbing a quick glass of wine at some small little bar that has pretty Christmas lights up. In fact that’s my favorite part of the holidays - the quick little mini breaks from the shopping and crowds.
About five years ago my best pals and I made a truce - no more gifts! It hurts the wallet too much and it’s so hard to add all your friends to your already growing list of people to buy for (office staff, parents, grandparents, nieces and nephews and the list goes on!).
Instead of gifts we’ve decided to give each the gift we value the most these days - the gift of time. So there is no exchange of thoughtfully wrapped presents or the mailing of greeting cards. Instead we schedule a few hours into our Christmas schedule and we meet for delicious appetizers at a quaint and festive little spot and we enjoy each others company just for a few hours. Sometimes it seems the only time we can really squeeze each other in anymore is during the holiday season.
These get togethers have become the most precious gift we can give each other and one that I look forward to with excitement every year as soon as the calendar hits December. Time is so precious now and we think we’ve found the perfect gift!
Some of us are easily distracted by things such as bright, shiny objects and opportunities that seem to be perfect. So perfect, in fact, we can hardly believe they are real. Well here’s what I’ve learned the hard way - if it’s too good to be true - it is too good to be true. It really is. Don’t waste any further time, heartbreak or money trying to learn any different outcome. This is a fact!
So how do you know when it’s too good to be true? The fact that you even think ‘this is too good to be true’ is a very good start. The next step would be to listen to your gut. That’s right - the thing you keep trying to ignore because it won’t let you have all the fun, exciting things you want - like the $600 Jimmy Choo’s you’re better off not affording. If your gut is nagging and trying to claw it’s way up your esophagus to reach you before you make a huge mistake - your wise to take notice and really, really listen to what it’s telling you because it has a lot to say.
I am personally well trained in the art of ignoring my gut and it has landed me in real pickle from time to time. I figure I’ve learned how to start paying attention. The first step is to pay attention to those not so ‘good’ feelings when you’re entering into one of these ‘perfect’ situations. And next? Get out. Don’t try to work it out because you’re only wasting time and you aren’t likely to see any improvement.
Our gut - aka our ‘instinct’ is there for a reason. And it will be your best wing-man in any given situation so do it a favour and listen!
It’s not like losing a best friend or a family pet - it’s worse in that it affects me on so many more levels! There I was, frolicking in the park with my best pal in the world. We roller-bladed over to Toronto Island, we snuck margherita’s in our knapsack like 17 year olds, we found a great spot and played games all afternoon. It was too good to be true. Note: if it feels too good to be true, it IS.
It was evidently wasp season - they too were enjoying the last days of summer because they were buzzing around my cleverly disguised margherita cooler. Or were they Toronto Island Port Authority Spies? Hard to tell with technology these days. I had to go monitor a point I felt my partner may have misjudged and as I walked over to assess, I left the sacred Blackberry as gaurdian of my drink; there to fend off all incoming wasp attacks. No sooner did I walk away when I heard the sound.. the one that makes your head spin and your heart ache and your pulse race.. “Plunk”. It had happened. The worse thing possible. I’m not talking about mother nature or any sort of natural disaster. I am talking about my lack of spacial relations and how that ineptness caused my berry to take a nose dive into my margherita. I screamed. I ran. I pulled the SIM card and battery out and immediately licked the sugary nightmare off my flailing and gasping pieces of itsy bitsy but dangerously crippling technology much to my partners amusement. This was going in my file. But alas, it was too late. My berry didn’t respond. Not even a dull pulse.
I wrapped the carnage up carefully in my LCBO bag and transported the remains home where I tried again to resuscitate it. I never give up that easily and I wasn’t going to be defeated by my own short-comings. No way.
I should have known better. I’ve been around friends who bonk their heads - and hard! I’ve done it myself trying to snowboard on an old wooden toboggon. I plugged the berry into the life support unit called the power source and alas - it came to life! A little sketchy at first but within seconds - all systems were a go. So I felt glee, relief and a sense of martyrdom. I’m sure surgeons share the same elation when saving a life. For sure they do. We are akin. I walked away and didn’t come back for 3 hours. 3 hours is a long time when someone is hanging on for dear life.
What was I thinking? I was selfish and uncaring. If a friend has a head injury we all know you wake them up every thirty minutes! It’s common sense. Why didn’t I do that? All I had to do was pay a visit to the kitchen counter to just ‘check in’ for a brief second to see if my Jacqberry was okay, and on the mend. But I didn’t and so I blame myself now for the tragic loss of an amazing PDA, BFF and right arm.
When these things happen I have a feeling that Larry David is going to call me based on reports he’s received and I may become a sitcom just for my own foolish behavior. Sad but true. Or.. sad but fantasy? Something has to come of all this, afterall.
